Miss you never miss an opportunity to molest goddess grief. She is planning to sue you in the court of Lord Melancholy. If you engage me as your attorney I will fight your drum.

In a stunning twist, Jesus has announced his bid for the presidency. With a slogan that reads, "Turning Water into Wine...and Policies into Miracles," he's promising free loaves and fishes for all, and plans to walk on water to solve rising sea levels.

His opponent, a befuddled politician, is reportedly scrambling to change water into coffee. Critics question his ability to manage an economy when he couldn't even balance twelve disciples.

Meanwhile, citizens debate whether his running mate should be Moses or a centaur for added flair. Can he turn the other cheek in a heated debate? Only time (and divine intervention) will tell.